I tend to put things off until I feel it’s the right time to get things done. I had already written today’s blog post yet I deleted it all and decided to rewrite it.
The original blog post was written two weeks ago and today is a different day with different feelings.
I’ve been awake since 2:30AM but at least I have my newly-found relationship with coffee. I’m sitting at the Hard Rock Cafe at the airport and it hasn’t sunk in yet.
I’m traveling the United States of America and land within the next 15 hours.
I’ve been in this state of shock since Monday. I haven’t been thinking about the trip (which is so odd of me because I’m an over-thinker). I’m putting off thinking about the trip because a lot of emotions are going to emerge.
I’ve written a lot about my reaction to leaving the United States back in 2019. That was the lowest period of my life and I promised myself that I’d never put myself into a similar situation and end up like that again.
2 and a half years later, I’m going back.
I was a teenager back then and I learned how to deal with loss the hard way.
I was sitting at the very same cafe back then as I waited for my first flight. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but hey, life is about growth.
I see her inside of me. She was strong and it’s because of her that I can do this trip now knowing that I will be ok. She and I went through a lot and I cannot wait to feel like her again – completely free.
I know it’ll hurt leaving America again when the time comes, but I know how to deal with it now.
What’s surprising me is how calm I look from the outside and yet I’ve got chills in my body. It’s like I’m subconsciously moving. I’m about to attempt something that most people would think is normal enough cause I’m just traveling, yeah, but, America… America is something else for me.
Most people (in Gozo) think my entire personality is about America (they’re not wrong for once lol) yet their judgement comes from a bad place. Few understand how I was uprooted as a child from the city to the island. And few understand how different America is. America is not a joke like what the news may perceive it as. America is and will always be a great country – even when it’s at a low point.
Although I’m calm right now, I know the crying will come and it is going to drain me emotionally.
I want to cry – I want to let out all of my pain.
Yes, pain! I keep it inside to function daily yet it’s always there.
It’s Michigan that I want to see again – I want to visit who I was back then and the home I had created for myself there. That was what I lost when I came back to Malta. I lost Michigan.
I want to let go – that’s the point of this trip. I want to move forward in life.
And, of course, I want to see my beautiful country and the people I love who live there.
So, this is goodbye Malta. I’m not leaving with any distaste towards Malta.
Malta and I are alright but America, godamnit, I cannot wait to embrace you.