Back In New York City

So, I’m back in the United States. The first part of my (long) trip was spent in my city, New York. I didn’t cry at the airport. I wasn’t overwhelmed – I was just utterly shocked.

I couldn’t register where I was. And I was like that for the first 3 days.

It was only when I headed to Manhattan on the third day that the shock really hit me.

I got out of the subway on 34th Street and saw the craze of New York City. The lights and the stores and the people and the traffic passing by.

And when I saw my old home, now 2 and a half years later, I just stood there with my mouth open for a solid minute. I genuinely felt dizzy.

The front door was open since there were movers so I walked in and sat on the steps inside. The building hadn’t changed. It was distantly familiar.

Time is what I hate. I hate that things have changed and that I’ve grown. I wish I was still that kid before Malta. She was innocent and naive but she was definitely happier than adult-me (we’ve had the convo on how being an adult sucks). Nostalgia has been hitting me since I visited my old home, 318.

And of one the reasons why being an adult sucks is because you have to face life and its complications. Understanding yourself and what you want from this life is frustrating. And then, you need to figure out how to do what you want in life.

So, I calmed myself down and the shock went away.

I realized that I was no longer that kid and I had to let her go (doesn’t me she’s not a part of me) but now, I have to take care of present-me and not past-me. And I have to answer this one vital question: what do I want in my life?

I then went to St. Varten’s Park and that place made me happy. It was cloudy but I loved watching the kids playing. The park hadn’t changed. If I had to close my eyes and navigate around, I still knew that park better than I know myself.

So, I sat down there and observed the kids. They were so carefree. It hit me that someday, I want to have a kid and bring them to this very park. I want to have that bundle of joy, a kid, and I want to give that kid the same joys of my childhood.

I also realized that New York City is not a person and although I love it so much, it cannot give me that same affection back – and I know I need to challenge my love into myself rather than let New York consume me.

So yeah, I realized a lot of things during my 5-day stay in New York City.

I saw the city from a different lens than the last time I was visiting in 2019.

In 2019, I saw the city as a wonderful place. But now, I saw the realities of the city as I explored it with my friends and cousins who gave me more insight. New York City is constantly being romanticized but it’s a hard place to live.

What’s for sure is that New York City is gorgeous and I’m considering what it means to live there.

I’m now at JFK waiting for my flight out of New York.

I’ve got a long month of travelling with a total of 5 places to visit. With one down so far, this trip is meant for me to enjoy myself as I explore this great country called the United States of America.

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